In a blink of an eye, “doctor” has become my occupation for almost five months. Ideally from day one, I should have had an idea of what I want to do in the near future, i.e. which specialty to go into etc. I see how every junior doctor expressing their dreams and that “A” or “B” is what they have always wanted to do in their lives, and alternatively if “A” or “B” does not work out, they would go for “Y” or “Z” because they are interested in them as well. Well, sometimes I just stop to ponder, and wonder, and sort of envy these people because I have never really had these thoughts in my head.

Talking about “dreams”, I sometimes think it is too unrealistic to have them. I have gone through a long stage in my life where I used to have too many of them. Making myself work towards them create stress, making sure I achieve them is another stress, and finally even after I have achieved them, I would create more “dreams” that in turn create more stress. I know this may not sound right to most people, but to me it is the way to live a happier life – without too many dreams.

In these 5 months working as a doctor, I have come across my own strengths and limitations. There are certainly moments when I enjoy myself and absolutely moments when I seriously wonder why I have chosen this field. There were times when I struggled mentally and emotionally (sometimes physically when it comes to sleep deprived shifts), but I am overall very grateful with everything that has happened throughout my “workinghood” so far. Sometimes, those little supports and encouragements do mean a lot at times when I need them.

Coming back to “dreams”, I still have not found any. Right now, all I can do is to make sure I am punctual at work, efficient as a house officer, treat patients well and go home preferably on time. I make sure I spare some personal time for music and fashion, and little things that will make me happy. At least, I know I can achieve them for now. Anything more than that, I will not dream about it as yet, not until they have become a reality.

It’s only another week before I upload a post entitled “One-fifth to THE DAY”. From the moment I started counting down from four-fifth, I thought it was going to take forever before I come down to one-fifth, but guess what, that very day would be next week.

This significant day is going to mark the end of my medical school life, the field which I decided to venture into back in 2005, half a decade ago that was. Choosing a career was tough back then. For an adolescent who barely even knew how to decide on what she wanted to eat in the next meal, deciding what she wanted to do for the next 30 years was beyond imagination and capability.

If you have read most of the entries in this blog, you would know that Medicine was decided upon after putting the “interest” factor aside, ‘cos interests and reality are two very different things. 5 years ago, I thought this was the right decision. During the 5 years, there were moments I regretted my decision and was certain I should have listened to my heart instead of being too rational.

5 years is a long time. There were moments when I hated what I was doing, moments when I regretted, cried, almost gave up, but there were also moments when I came home smiling, happy when patients approached recovery and at very rare times proud of what I was doing. These 5 years were filled with too much uncertainties. When others were stressed up about exams and assignments, I was there worrying if I was doing the right thing in my life.

So 5 years later, I still can’t see myself doing the same thing for the next 30 years. But I can say that 5 years ago I had made the right decision, ‘cos today at this very moment, I feel happy, and that’s what that matters.

After being matched to North Western Deanery two months ago and to East Lancashire Trust just over a month ago, we were required to rank 24 tracks which practically gave me days of headaches, dilemmas and indecisiveness. I’m sure I changed the rankings in my form at least 5 times and still could not come to a happy decision. Well like I said, my 2 years of future, or my whole future of “doctor-hood” perhaps would depend on this decision.

After days and hours of nerve-wrecking and brain-storming moments trying to weigh the pros and cons of each tracks, eliminating those absolute contraindicated tracks followed by the relative contraindicated ones, e.g. those containing psychiatry, obstetrics and gynaecology were under my absolute no-no bottom of the list category. I am not going to name those in the relative contraindicated list because the list will never end. My first round of decision finally came down to a track that contains practically nothing but medicine and surgery. Yea so now you know how much I love becoming a doctor.

Alright, I shouldn’t be too picky, should I? For the sake of my future, I should include at least a specialty that I could probably accept and able to survive in it for 4 months. Paediatrics it is, and paediatrics it will be! *Argh*

I wanted Emergency Medicine and GP is compulsory so out of 6 rotations, I have roughly 5 decided already.

Finally, that very day, actually two days before the deadline, I submitted…….my preferences.

First choice went to track 010 (10th track), which is…

General medicine (compulsory), General surgery (not keen but compulsory), Paediatrics (out of reluctance), Emergency Medicine (what I wanted), GP (compulsory and KEEN), and trauma & orthopaedics???!!!

Alright not exactly what I wanted but there was no other choice! At least I thought I could accept it better than some of the others. Frankly speaking, all the special tests of e.g. the shoulder joint sound the same to me. All I could imagine of orthopaedics are stern Indian doctors/surgeons screaming at the patient, “Get the joint moved!!!”. I never understood how orthopaedics work but I guess I will soon.

2 weeks gone by and it was the moment of truth.

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YAYYY!!!

It still means I need to do Orthopaedics, but it could have been worse!

Summer is over, and what’s ahead is a cloudy drizzling sky, wet grass and brown leaves. The end of summer also marks the beginning of a new academic year, i.e. my final year in medical school.

When I reflect back at all the years of my medical course, they all had one thing in common. It is the fact that I can’t wait to graduate, I can’t wait to graduate and I can’t wait to graduate. Seeing all my friends throwing their mortar boards into the air, stepping into their ‘workinghoods’ etc have carved an ugly sense of envy in me. The most attractive and alluring temptations of all, which you and I can’t deny, is the monthly monetary reward. Let’s just all be realistic. Money is important.

I have been working towards this goal for years and finally I can see the door opening at a close distance, and it is getting nearer and nearer each day. For once it hit me, that I am going to achieve it very soon, so soon that I dare not imagine.

It is ironic how when you don’t get something you want it so badly, and when you finally are getting it you start doubting if it is what you want. Would I be able to cope with my work? Would I be competent enough to save lives? Would I lose so much sleep that I would look 10 years older during the period of 2 years? So many questions, so much fear, so much uncertainties.

I think I would accidentally be prescribing the wrong dose of medications to patients, I think I would prick them too hard and cause them pain, I think I would oversleep and get spanked by my consultant, I think I would get confused that everything that I’m doing would be messed up, I think I would fear so much that I can’t work. I FEAR. I JUST FEAR.

My fear is mounting as the days draw nearer.

So by the way, hi, I am a final year medical student, and I would treasure everytime I introduce myself that way.